Cost, invest, pay, value

I am playing with this metaphor today.  I am noticing how differently I see the world  then when I ruled by the head and heart.   I pick up on my fear (tightness in my heart) to fully deloak, specifically with my extended family.  I am sitting with this, creating the space to let it rumble.   Let’s face it, many people came to this country so that their children would have better lives and very high in that struggle was/is a good education for the children.   Already as I write, I am realizing the amount invested, invested in education, invested in keeping secrets, particularly with my Aunts,  “the past is the past”, “we did our best”, “why drudge that up”.  I know this need in them, I always did , while at the same time I spent my childhood witnessing incredible agitation in their bodies, for years, and now disease settling into the most beautiful Godforces and I am moved.  For me, now it is simply telling the truth of my experience with mySelf moment to moment.

So…on that note, I am facilitating a program which I have titled, “raising children for a life worth living.” The details of this program are on this blog, just click the link, “raising children for a life worth living.” As I write this, I picture Linda and Lucy.  For me, today, it is Tanya, it is all right there, in the conversation.  I am so appreciative for the women who have come into my life who speak the truth of their experience with such honesty.  For me, it is like creating a culture of permission, this is the new normal, well sign me up for some of that.  It is not in the story, it is in the metabolization of the experience.  It is standing on the dotted line and looking out at me in this world and metabolizing as I go, and making it normal.

This is just what is up for me today.  I have found mySelf, lately,  saying, “I cost money.”  I had a life up until now that was based on protect and defend and my value, placed by me, was largely based on my ability to survive alone, making good money and providing for myself.  It was in realizing that I was raising my daughter as a really good traditional father or “provider” that my life opened up for more.  People, including me have invested a lot in me in the last year or so and I am appreciative in the only way I know how now, expansion.  I value me.  I value my time, I value what I know and I value you. I know something and now your fear and your hurt does not penetrate me as I own my own fire and now I can engage with you.  Your success and your expansion provide more room for me.   I value and by valuing me, I value you too.  Too cool!

My life, my joy, my excitement about “my life” is the evidence that I needed and/or was searching for.  Is it as simple as “yes” and “no”, yes it is and this way of giving up and letting the body lead continues to surprise and delight me, because when my body leads there is nothing to figure out or get.

Last night at an event for a club that our daughter belongs to, all the parents were invited to join in.  As our daughter asked us not to, I just sat with it.  Deep breaths and a willingness to sit with it.  Since I had time,  breathing away, it came to me what it was bringing up for me, rejection – all about me.  After when she asked if she upset me, I said that I was hurt and that it was all about me.  She said, I did not ask you not to join to hurt you.  I said, “I know, my reaction is all mine.” I did not tightened up, I waited for the body to stabilize.  In that moment the hurt dissolved and we went on to have a great evening.  There were no rules, no explosions, just  walking through our lives, awake.