More times than not now, in my life, I am aware of when there is still a charge in my body related to whatever I am experiencing and when that charge has been dissolved.
This morning my experience with mySelf felt like it moved to a whole different level. In a conversation with Marie, a lot was coming up. I called with the intent to allow certain experiences that had been charging in me to come to the surface.
Just as the call was starting to wrap up, I related an experience I had, yesterday, that seemed pretty innocuous to me.
The story, I was having lunch in a restaurant with my husband when an older lady fainted and hit her head. I started to relate how fascinating I found it to observe each person react in a way that way meaningful for them. I have always experienced myself as a consummate researcher and witnessing how people behave in this type of incident is pretty interesting, to me. However, I was still curious why I mentioned the incident as I usually don’t talk about “story”, anymore. Then it hit me. It was a huge green dot moment to realize how this incident was charging in me. Up came the rules and the judgment. I did not like that one man called 911 without the woman’s permission. I was feeling judgment as to what was being done and what should have been done. This quickly passed as I realized that what each person did was exactly right, for them. Then I got more curious as to what was the more in this experience.
The fascinating growth and eventual metabolization for me was in how comfortable I was in the observation state, with no awareness of what was coming up for me, in the moment. No awareness as to what would be meaningful for me, in this moment, what were my needs. Followed by my ability, as an adult to act on these needs. Even now it almost feels too selfish to consider my needs in the moment when someone is running to call 911 and yet, this is how I get a life that works for me. In the moment being so present to myself that I realize that even now, even in this moment, my “job” for myself is to be present to myself.
Interestingly, that when she fell, everything that I was about was “make everything appear normal”, “do not embarrass”, “do not draw more attention”, “do not make a big deal”. It was shockingly important for me to go on like normal. Make everything appear as normal. These “abilities” were what I was known for in prior professionns. At one College I worked at I was known as Queen of Death, people would call me if someone had been: raped, attempted suicide or anything else based on what was seen as “emotions”, teachers just wanted to teach. I would take care of it, make it all go away. I quit my last job, when after someone had been raped and I could not, one more time, make it all go away. I was aware of what was the cost to the person I am sitting with and now I am also aware of what is the cost, to me.
I get real curious as to how this way of walking in my world became genius in my childhood. In my childhood, we never discussed when big things happened. If my father flew into a rage the night before, and then got up to make breakfast for everyone the next day, my mother would look pleadingly at us to just come to the table and eat. I learned early that my role, my skills and abilities that were programmed young were to bring calmness to the situation. This was exasberated that my brother, fourteen months older was firing off so big that no one had any energy to “deal” with me. I learned young to just go on my merry way. Being invisible worked for me. Ignore, ignore, ignore, everything that is firing off in me was what was being pleaded for to stop. My need to process was and is big. “That happened.” As I grew into an adult, I developed huge resentment when I was not noticed. Why can’t people see the “star” in me. This resentment, I now understand that it was not about performance. As I let go of the strategies and delve into the life of my creation, the resentment is gone. I built a life on seemingly effortlessly meeting everyones needs, invisibly and then resented when I was not noticed. It is no wonder I was tired. The performance life is gone, and with it my loneliness is going. I feel the field around me.
I now have a new place to stand, when big things happen. Rather than becoming a voyeur to my experience of what ever is going on. I am not a fly on the wall that invisibly anticipates everyone’s needs, I am all grown up now and I can check into what are my needs at the moment and know full well that I can meet me here. Ta da!
For me, in this moment, it is simply another clear reminder of being in the moment and checking into my body to be aware of what is coming up in each moment rather than reacting with my intellect. A moment like someone hitting their head and the paramedics coming is a rather big and vivid experience to remind me, to check in all day long.
I am very aware, in this moment, of missing out on me, if I check out when things happen.
I am excited about my future.
For me, I usually blog and then I get the more.
I look forward to the more. In the words of someone whom I have spent so little time with and yet admire greatly, I know that, “it is never %$%# over.”
Thanks for sharing in my journey to Self.