Constraints, real and imaginary
15 Feb 2010 2 Comments
I woke up this morning very aware and appreciative of my awareness of the rumblings in my body.
In a recent experience the metaphor of constraints came up. I have been playing with creating a web page. This project, where the product is “me”, and not me as expert, has been somewhat challenging. Whenever the artist that I am working with puts constraints on the page, it falls apart, for him. He asks me for more input on creating me to put out into cyberspace. You mean I just can’t throw it up on you, and pay you to produce my unfolding. This is information well worth paying attention to, for me. I take time to wonder at how often I have gone to people outside of me or waited in the bleachers for someone to notice that I am star. The message I see is, “ I don’t know who I am, what do you see?” Just let me get a good look in your sunglasses, maybe I can get a better idea by seeing my reflection from you.
I get that and there is something more. I acknowledge now, in this moment, that I have never liked constraints; allow me to rumble here as there are two sides to this sword and I am realizing that the cut is pretty deep.
A constraint for me is anything that puts me in a box. At this moment I have that energy of not being able to breathe, so I breathe as I want the more. Constraints are just my reaction to energy moving through me. If I put words to it, it is about, not that. Fighting all my life to not have constraints is also the dance of, if I am “not that” , then what. Now I know that what I was taught, of who I am and what I am, is not my view of the world.
Constraint is just another distraction. I am very distracted by noise, this is a survival instinct for me and it keeps me safe. I am on to something here. If I am aware of noise, I can keep safe, however, what do I miss in my life by paying attention to the distraction instead of dropping into my body, breathing, follow the impulse and getting on with the life and the world I want to create. Constriction is just another distraction. I can let that go now.
I want a visible place, a heterotopia of my creation, one which is me, and one in which I expand in good company.
It was genius for me to not put myself out into a world that I see as “unsafe” being who I am, to actually declare it. It was safer to stay quiet about what I know. I have a strong desire to create a world and particularly families that are different. Tough to do without being visible.
If I don’t focus on the distractions: weight, fear of the cancer, the challenges of parenting, my web page not really being me and being big enough to start my practice, then I will have to face creating a life.
Just creating another distraction or creating “my life” a life worth living.
How many of us live feeling constraints (fighting ex, problems with my child, money, cancer, weight and imagining distractions as excuses for not “getting a life”
I’m done. Giddy up let’s go!
Feb 15, 2010 @ 22:53:26
I am with you Sandra! Not paying attention to the noise. Thanks:) On to the next!
Feb 15, 2010 @ 23:07:37
It is funny Tanya but this blog started rumbling in me when I read yours a couple weeks ago. I was touched so deepley and it started to rumble in me in a new way. Getting lost in the collective of family, mother, wanting so much for life to be different for my child. Of course, this rumbling went many places and only today I realized on a new level the distinction between distraction (whatever form it presents or hooks) and passion, for me, for my life, not only what am I mirroring but what AM I CREATING! Thank you so much; you are a gift to me.