A thoroughbred in a racing stall
28 Jan 2010 2 Comments
Not where I want to be and yet, that is how I am experiencing mySelf over the last few days. This metaphor has strong visuals for me. The stomping, the spurting, the spitting, the noise coming out of me. Let me out, let me out. As a child, there would be reason to blame the gate keepers. The person that put me in the gated stall. As an adult there is no one to blame. Who keeps me in this stall? Stall, okay that is cool, stall. Stalling, yes that is my experience with mySelf over the last few days or more.
I am loving walking with my clients, they light me up! I showed up to do a program experience I am interested in. That is life enhancing. Yet, this is not about work or clients for me, not about generating money. I have a different perspective on money now, it has shifted to means. Funny, I am getting this as I write, not doing something to get money to have the means to go to France. Discovering by showing up that that is what I want. I can’t even imagine saving for a rainy day as it is POURING NOW!
I am realizing that my experience with mySelf, is that the gate is open. I stretch, maybe even go out and graze. I love the grazing, the grass is so green, the sun feels good on my face, hey there are other people out here and some do not want to go back into the stall, some have decided they are just not going back in, some are being eagerly led back into the stall and then there is my experience with mySelf. It is like there is a loud or not so loud noise and I feel fear and I gallop, no slow comfortable saunter, back into the stall and I slam and lock the door.
So…if there is nothing to get, nothing to analyse. I am just going to keep going about my life taking a breath and stepping into what I want and SEEING what I discover. Interesting. Life, ALIVE, so far not always comfortable for me. Being honest, actually having the words I am running inside my head coming out of my mouth. So, when they do. When they actually come out of my mouth. The signal, metabolized and then rising out of my mouth. What is so scary about that? I don’t know. More of me to discover.
I understand that I am worthy and can I really be eating dinner in France tomorrow night by my own means. That I can be coaching from Greece. Yes, I can, so why does being as big as my dreams scare me. I don’t know. I know that I am courageous to ask the questions. I recognize this as courage. I have always known that it isn’t about a job.
For me it is like I get on the stage and now I “show up” and even though I have evidence and the experience I am ashamed of how big my vision is.
Take a breath, get honest, breathe and step in….
Sandy
Jan 28, 2010 @ 16:40:49
I love the metaphor of the stall! The image that came for me as I read was of the horse running back into the stall as the building is burning because it is what represents safety! I then question where in my life am I still running back into the stall instead of getting the hell out so I can then create something new? The building is burning…am I willing to die for my own perception of safety! Hmmm… Thanks for inviting the rumble Sandy!
Jan 28, 2010 @ 17:50:33
Beautiful Sandy! As I sit here and am in the “stall” mode, typing out my possibilities of what I want/conversations that I want – and realizing that I am revelling in a bigger context of who I am. Somehow it begins here in the “stall” and then I can leap “there”….beautiful, because I know that I have shifted once again. Thanks!