Getting out of my car November 11, 2009

Yesterday, I was walking through some powerful charges in my body and as I experienced them, I forgot for awhile the value of getting back to basics, of breathe, drop my shoulders, soften my belly. Underneath a lot of rage that I used to be aware of was a great deal of fear.

When I read Lisa’s blog today (I love the  vibration when programs are going on),  I am reminded of  the genius of the silencing part, when I was a child.  It was pure genius.  And yet, my “being” saw and experienced everything, so shutting down, which moves beyond silencing, for me, took place.  However, even as my brain shut down and became garbled to survive, my body just kept on experiencing.  Life continued, this is the good news, metabolizing these “experiences” in the moment, now, not over years of therapy, is the good news too.  I love the realization that I am a quantum biological being.

Flash forward forty years, or so and yesterday, I was playing with the metaphor of, “not getting out of my car.”  For me the car (if I am driving) is a very safe place for me. It was my method of escaping from my home, as I grew into an adult.   For me, now, the metaphor is expanding to, “how often do I get out of my car?” and when I get in my car am I going where I want to go.  This is about “safety” to me.  Lisa, your sharing of, “I do not live in a war-torn country” really touched me.  I get this.  What am I really afraid of, to show up as me, beyond, family and friends…hmmm…wave, full of sneezing like symptoms from my nose to my mouth and here I am.

Sandy

The value of honouring ourSelves and others November 9, 2009

The other night my partner and our daughter were having a “disagreement”, regarding the channel changer, such an opportunity for control.  This event became such a metaphor for me of how my families life has changed.  As I watched the event unfold.  I was mindful of the circumstances that I know of each of their births and their experiences with others and theirSelves as babies and I observed their personal rhythms.  There was not fight, on this night, in our house.  Again, how far we have come.  As our daughter complained, I watched my partner, learn “from me” that it is not about command and control or about giving in.  It is about taking a breath and accepting what is firing off in him and understanding why she reacts the way she does.  They were at choice point, bumping up against themselves in the company of each other, it all being about each of them “firing off”, or breathing accepting the information and making a new choice.  He walked away and after she apologized to him.  This was not about a child apologizing to an adult, far from it.  They both grew and without the volcanic eruption  going off in our house.  This takes much less energy that can be used for so many things as our lives propel forward in the moment and in the next breath.  Bye the way.  I remained out of it.  Smart eh!

Sandy

When personal experiences are public November 9, 2009

they can become personally expansive and powerful contagious in terms of the world we want to create.

Today, as things are emanating out of me at great speeds, I am remembering all of the professional conferences that I have been to in my life.  These trips, at great expense to my employer where ones in which I can not ever remember thinking that I would be coming back with one thing useful for me.  I would sigh, and think, “Oh well”, at least I will get a break, “from what” I think now, from my life, and have money and time to go shopping.  Then one day, I went to a conference where a very young woman showed a slide show and told “her story” of a major fifteen day hike that she had done with her sister.  The growth and the sharing of her experiences with herSelf and her sister had the whole room crying.  I left feeling like I had, for the first time, at a professional conference, experienced something real.

So, as I prepare to speak out, and up more and more, I feel the benefit, to me, to my family and to the world I want to be a part of, to simply share more and more of my experience with mySelf and others.

And frankly, as a very wise woman said to me once, “what would be the benefit in me going quietly.”

Sandy

It is Monday, November 9th November 9, 2009

and I have a strong calling to write a book, so I will, effortlessly.  Just observing what comes out of my hands.

Lately, I wake up with the thought; is this really my life; is it really this good?  Then I smile and the message vibrating from my body is, “yes, it is.”

One of the things that I am appreciative of (as there are many) is the power of simply asking my body in each moment, is it a “yes” or “no”.  This was new to me, for a while, and there was lots of bumping up against mySelf.  As these times are few now and my life one of  joy and bliss, these are  experiences that I only had glimpses of, in the past.

This all started with honesty for me.  Honesty with mySelf.  It started with my daughter and my partner. The lines of energy were so blurred between my daughter and I when I started choosing to live differently, that I started very simply.  She would say something like, “do you want to want to go to the movies” and I would drop my shoulders, relax my belly, take a few deep breaths and check in with my body?  Out would come, yes, or no.  The looks I got were and are very memorable.  I mean, really where does the conversation go from there, for a child who’s mother spent 10 years trying to knock her daughters socks off. This moment was “evidence” of both being internally referenced and the fact that change can be instantaneous.  It  was in this moment that we truly started to engage, signal to signal, engaging and creating as we go, relaxing into the moment, as I mirror how to take a breath and own what is firing off in me so that she gets the opportunity to learn not to deny her signal.  Wooo hoooo! here is my life and she gets a  to have a life worth living.  I have often understood that I don’t have to keep mySelf small in order for you to be big AND now I get, you do not have to keep yourself small in order for me to be big.”

This weekend was a marker of sorts for me.  I phoned a girlfriend on Friday and said, “you are right, my ass really is sitting in the butter.” She has said this for years and I would protect or defend, explain or analyse.  The happiness in me is a vibration that I get to enjoy, and enjoy and enjoy.

I will never “work” again.  I have a book or two, in me and it is really wanting to come out today, so be it.

Let’s go.

Awakening to a new collective November 4, 2009

A collective of  “in the moment connections.”  Standing on the right side of the dotted line, the concept of a healthy, fulfilling collective is very new to me.

I remember a long time ago, Louise saying something to the effect of , I still have some small holes I can fall into, not many, but some.  Who knows, maybe she doesn’t anymore.  For me, the changes in my life in the last year and a bit have been profound.  Seeing the Godforce that I am has been exhilarating.  I thrive, my family thrives, with a complete redefinition or lack of definition of our roles and the rules that bind.

So, today, in a conversation I was surprised by how clear my experiences, in the past, with collectives have been nasty, dull or just not a sacred place for this  Godforce.   My experience with WEL-Systems and another new collective that “light me up”  and celebrate my senses are opportunities to stand on the right side of the line.  No trying, no disappointment, not friends, just simply living moment to moment as the Godforce I am and engaging in the moment.

The interesting information for me, has been my search for places to “belong” in the past, as I was certain I was not in the “right for me” place as a child, was sure I was not in a sacred place in my elementary and high  school experience, then to a professional job (that looked good and paid well), a partner who was incredible to me or one that was just drop dead gorgeous and not good for me.  In the end, it was a constant and sometimes frantic search to find someplace to “belong”.  I used to joke that someday the phone would ring again and I would have a high level job and would belong somewhere, again.  This has not been a rewarding nor fulfilling experience for me, in the past.  As soon as I get the “great job” the two, three dance starts and three years later, I wake up exhausted and have to start digging for who I am again.  No more.

The vibration that I am simply creates as I go, that there is nothing “out there” that is the answer and yet being part of collectives where it is easier to breath, take a step, find out who I am in that moment, breath and step again, is a good thing.

So.  as my experience with collectives rise up, I breath, gratefully accept the green dot moment, and I get more of my life back.

Today is a good, good day.

I am a firm believer in – not November 4, 2009

Last night in a gathering of women, while paying attention, I noticed mySelf saying, “I am a firm believer”, then I smiled and laughed.  I was not a firm believer in the point that I made.  We were talking about dieting and weight and I am at such a different place when having that conversation.  I look at the information that my body is telling me, I relax, breath and take a step.  My body is firing off a lot lately.  To me there is no surprise that a body that I did not pay attention to for so very long, forty-four years, might have some information to engage me in a conversation now that I am listening.

This morning I am still smiling, as I get up, stretch, feed all the animals in our house.  When I say, “I am a firm believer” it is such an illustration for me of how I used to live my life, research something, come up with an opinion and the say it (report of the weather) for the rest of ones life.  No need here to be in the moment and see what comes up.

As with everything now, once the awareness comes up, the old believe/practice disappears, and life unfolds.

Still smiling.

A horse with bags of mail (information) October 29, 2009

Today in a simple conversation, I grew again.  I was talking with a CODE model coach about (an old concept that I used to relate to) of feeling like a dog being weighted down as I carried what others or I thought that I could or should carry.  As the conversation evolved and we got to the point of talking about where we are at now in our lives the image transformed to a, “mail horse”.  I am sure that there is a proper phrase for this metaphor, I see the image of The Pony Express and who cares.  The image is so freeing.  A horse, so powerful and majestic carrying, light, information filled letters from place to place.  This image has stayed with me for the rest of today

My partner becomes more of a father October 6, 2009

What a weekend. I know that I am aware of when I am in the intellect and when I am in the body AND sometimes so much moves that sitting down and then laying down is the only way, at least for now, for me to say, “I give up”, and let the body truly lead.

I and WE (as a family) had one of those type of weekends. So much going on and so much of going into old situations of the same as the new people who we are and sometimes I felt comfortably detached and then boom, we have a hit.

The hit that is up for me right now concerns the evolution of our entire nuclear family. This wonderful child that we are raising asked her “new” grandfather twice to come and watch her horse back ride. He said no and I could feel the fire in me. Part of me knows that no one has to do anything you don’t want to do and the dichotomy rumbling through my body was (hmmmm…pay attention), pain in the back of my head right now, was, “she has three grandpa’s and not one that has the ability to show up for themselves with her.” I let this rumble through and then when I was still metabolizing it later, talked to my partner about it. He was furious and could not sleep so then I know that it had brought something up for him, about him. The next day, Grandfather number three came up to me and said if he is asked to engage with our child, by our child again, he will do it and that the next time he comes we will also do something as a family. Talking to my partner later, I asked him what happened. He had told his father how he felt AND he said, “he did this to me my entire childhood and he is not doing it to her”. Well!!!…talk about a charge. The rumbling for him was incredible, from a rumbling in terms of a stomach ache the night before to feeling out of it all day yesterday.

And the thunder rolls AND we all grew.

When you are more, and I am more, the vibration is fantastic September 21, 2009

Lately, I have been experiencing lots of people, I know (LOL), becoming more. I find this to be quite the experience in terms of the manifestation of the signal I am. Amy is “off to the meadow”, Naomi is a “Birthing Centre”, Lisa and a Storefront Opening in Louisiana (These are all my words, what I see about me) How cool is that! And these are only the women, I have noticed…hmmmmm, only the women I have noticed manifesting from source. Isn’t that cool, I get very excited about noticing more. This is so cool I shake with excitement. I love the variety of life. I love the confidence of relaxing into being me. I am smiling here, thinking of a kick party off “my own business” in an airport hanger, who knows. My admiration for all of us to just breathe, drop into source, breath out and take a step is unshakable. I am at the same time walking through life in this body watching people whom I “like to talk to at a cocktail party” running out of time. The polarity is palatable. Both paradigms are so powerful, and I watch them running, one paradigm with effort and another one effortless (when in source) and I get very curious about how our vibration radiates out.

Last night after 6 days of Manifesting, my body gave up. I was sitting there, feeling peaceful, enjoying a beautiful dinner and crash. I woke up later, very restless (okay more), called Marie and WOW! POW! there I was, there she was, and the expansion was incredible. VOICE is very much connected to this “showing up” for me. It is just so much easier when I stay connected to the conversations that interest me. No effort required. As I radiate out, I am indeed, very excitable.

This is the summer of my life unfolding August 24, 2009

I love when words start appearing from other women, I note them and keep walking in my life and then, “oops there it is.” This summer, no the last three years have been about journeying into what I don’t know I don’t know.

At the start of my journey into what I don’t know I don’t know it was more of a tough knuckle walk with little breath, and yet, how powerful of me, even when my life was still very externally referenced to walk out the corporate door, laugh, cry and ACT on the fact that at least it isn’t that.

I have created a summer without plans, as many of you know I have a partner and a ten year old. They would have been comfortable a long time ago, living moment to moment AND I was not there. This summer, I opened to the experience and the opportunity for each of us, “to be.” I am not saying that it was always pretty and I am saying that I was more present than ever before in my life. This freedom I felt in all of the levels of me from the environment to who else, constantly and effortlessly. As opportunities for experiences come up, simply breathing asking myself do I want to do this in this moment or is creating something else what calls to me, right now. Upsetting family (of choice or origin) let the sun shine there too. I chose not to make commitments ahead of time, and even in two incidents when “I did not show up” because of story, everything changed in a second because as soon as I got honest, the conversation that resulted was incredible. A summer of feeling the water on my body when I swim (in a two piece looking 9 months pregnant), and where I know that creating is simply investing in myself, where I start to let go of the definition of a good mother and simply live moment to moment and trusting my body.

This leads me to the people in my life. I was driving down the highway the other day and I came to wonder why I have a few friendships that have lasted for so long and why I still love to be in these womens company after all these years. Then the green dot moment, every conversation I have with these friends propels my life forward and in the words of one friend when discussing this with her, “right back at you.” I love this, I grow and become bigger in their presence and so do they. Since I moved to Ottawa, I deliberately sought women like this out. As some of you know I found WEL-Systems by googling, there have to be women who are fully alive in Ottawa. This choice has expanded my life again. I rarely have a conversation with Marie in which I don’t wave right there and then in the conversation, I love meeting Amy where ever she is and feel my reflection in her growth. These feelings in my body drew me to think of the many people who have appeared on my deck over the years and I wondered about friends that still feed me after all these years, there are not a huge number of them and it could change at any time and that is okay too, yet what is the element? It hits me, “be careful the company you keep.” Then yes, the awareness in my body. Every time I talk with my friend Kathy, I grow and expand, my lungs feel more alive AND we move forward in every conversation. I love this. It is the same with my friend Trudy, every time I see her, I feel this pull to run to each other and talk about what is feeding us in the moment. It is exciting and alive.

That is what draws me to write about today, honestly there is so much that draws me today that choice is the only decision I have to make. My belly is huge and descended. Lucky me that my body actually physically looks like it is giving birth, oh what the hell, I am. I feel everything now. I always had the feelings in my body, my body has always been there capable of so much more and yet I did not know how to listen. The information was stored, as it started to metabolize, it was huge and sometimes it still is, sometimes it is bubbles and it is gentle, others is is like a knife. All information for this Sekment Rising. I am not a walking zombie anymore and now the ideas, concepts, feelings, awareness everything, the whole package of who I am. I see the genius in the way I lived my life and I love the formal education I received, not for my first major (love my Master’s, why because of the conversations – enlivened conversations) for the time, so many years of not going to work, reading when I wanted having discussion in coffee shops, being introduced to other cultures and experiences. I didn’t have the awareness of MY body then, as the experience, my body will never lie to me. Trust me, it was talking, I didn’t know where to go for the conversation, so being the genius I was, I shut it down more. If my body had been attached to my head all my years in University than, wow! and that is okay too. I did not know what I know now.

For me, today, second chakra experiences have moved into first chakra. All third chakra pain has passed and all I have to do is breath.

Thank you, if you did not show up for yourselves, and I can see the program room full of god forces right now, I may have stayed asleep much longer.

Sandy